I can’t find the right word

The world that surrounds me and my family doesn’t provide many opportunities to understand one’s sexual identity. Moreover, this question only leaves everybody perplexed. What does it mean to understand your sexual identity? Even a child knows the difference between a boy and a girl (a smile). But as time goes by, their parents’ smiles are replaced by a nervous giggle. The problem becomes obvious, but remains unclear.

I came across the word ‘gender’ in university, having already given the matter a lot of thought: «I’ll always be alone, I’m a weird creature»; «I’m a lesbian»; «This man wants to take me as I am, but I don’t care, I’m lost and I don’t want this life, so let him take it. 

After several years of marriage to an abuser, after the hell I went through, after I gave birth to my son, I managed to escape with great loss.

Even now, having read countless studies, essays and information about sexual and gender identification, I haven’t found my place yet. The strict system in my mind formed by my family and the society confuses me. But just by being in search of the right words and understanding, I have already found my peace—me, it’s me. Not a lesbian. Not a heterosexual woman. Not hating my woman’s body, and not eager to be a man. It was very hard. If the word gender became clear, so many lost people just like me would have never wandered alone, and would have never been ignored for so long.